i agree that the rotten sod should be shot from a cannon to the centre of the sun, and no i do not think that a loving couple married or otherwise should involve others in their sex life it seems to lead to great disasters in a lot of cases if it were my friend i would have told them what i knew, but this is someone i do not know. i know nothing of their circumstance, and as such it would be unwise to suggest saying something to the wife first. taht is what i think, he should be made to feel ashamed of himself and if i were asked to do that even not knowing him i would do so. it poses many difficult questions however, most of which we as onlookers, as you must admit we are, cannot answer. so advice must be very carefully metred out. and very carefully thought out. i know she ought have been told but i cannot say from where i sit what effect this would have had. and that worries me. having lost friends who killed themselves over the smallest things, having lost friends who caught thier partners cheating and resorted to murder and suicide, i can feel the very real concequence of a few ill placed words very deep inside me. these are real outcomes from people becoming entagled in webs of deceit and confusion. so i would not give advice so lightly. i am happy to hear that she now has found out and i hope she is within her means to be able to dispense this rotten man. my sympathies go out to her. but asked the same question again, from so far a distance i would answer the same. not the right thing i know but the least harmful approach perhaps. if anyone wants to discuss this further i for one would be very happy to do so. matt
--- On Tue, 2/17/09, Sue McEwen <chinkajack@iprimus.com.au> wrote:
From: Sue McEwen <chinkajack@iprimus.com.au>
Subject: Re: [mylifeismine] What to do?? Friend's hubby is a cheater.....
To: mylifeismine@yahoogroups.com.au
Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 3:48 PM
Hi Matt, I understand, but my approach is based on how I live my life. Is the marriage basically a 'good' one when the husband is unfaithful? Your opinion suggests you think extra marital affairs are OK (lol). Just because a marriage has lasted a long time doesn't mean it should be continued. The longer a mistake is made doesn't make it better, sometimes is only extends the length of injury and pain. Tact and diplomacy are a must. That the husband is looking outside the marriage is proof that he isn't getting something he needs within it. This doesn't mean a better solution can't be found. Reading John Gray's books, particularly 'How to get what you want and want what you have' and 'Men, women and relationships: making peace with the opposite sex' might save their marriage if the husband becomes aware of why he is looking outside his marriage and both are willing to do something positive about it. It is likely that there is a lack of communication between husband and wife, and that they don't understand the dynamics of their relationship, as in the differences between men's and women's thinking. John Gray's books have been such an eye-opener for me, making it easier to understand male/female thinking and helping me understand just how different we are. That we are supposed to be different in this way. Knowledge is power. Bottom line for me is fidelity and trust.. If I don't have that then what's the point? I might as well share my life with the neighbour or guy down the street. Men need to feel trusted, appreciated and accepted; women need to feel respected, understood and cared for. Neither has what they want so is this a good marriage? Should a caring friend step in and say something to either or both and so allow the opportunity for positive change? As things currently stand in the marriage, it isn't a good one or the husband wouldn't have an online profile at a singles site. He's not single. What's the definition of a good marriage? TTFN Sue matthew naughton wrote: | sue, what you suggest could potentially destroy what could be a basically good marriage you dont know i understand how you feel but if it was my best friend i would aproach the other one first to try to save their marriage, do not take this too lightly marriage that has lasted some time is something to treasure
--- On Mon, 2/16/09, Sue McEwen <chinkajack@iprimus. com.au> wrote:
From: Sue McEwen <chinkajack@iprimus. com.au>
Subject: Re: [mylifeismine] What to do?? Friend's hubby is a cheater.....
To: mylifeismine@ yahoogroups. com.au
Date: Monday, February 16, 2009, 12:24 PM
You can only follow your conscience. Were I in your place I would tell my best friend what I know.
It might be that she knows and appears to be ignorant to save face, and maybe not. Some relationships are like this, and many are not.
The eaisest way to tell your friend might be to show her a printout of his online profile. Say 'look what I found' and that you are worried about her.
If everything is OK between them there should be no harm done.
Marriage is supposed to be based on trust and commitment.
If he is doing this behind his wife's back then he has betrayed her trust and the basic premise of marriage.
Would you be happy if one of your friends knew your husband (for eg.) was doing this and they didn't tell you?
Probably not.
If your friend becomes angry that you stuck your nose in - simply tell her you did it because you care about her, your best friend.
TTFN
Sue. | |
